The List
by Syrae
Summary: When Mac tells Harm her greatest fear, Harm comes up with something that might help her understand...Complete!
1. Prologue

**I'm so sorry guys, I know that it's been ages since I've written anything at all, but life has been this huge roller coaster for the past few months, and then I moved, so everything was a mess. Things are slowly slowing down and going back to normal. Anyway, hope that you'll like this story. Probably just three chaps. **

**All mistakes made are mine. Just so you know...**

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Mac's apartment  
Georgetown, VA  
2143 hours local

"...right?" The last part of Harm's question is exactly that, a question.

So far, the evening has been great. Really great. We've had a working dinner and since we were done prepping for the case earlier than expected, we decided on a movie. The movie ended and we started to talk about everything and nothing. Which leaves me with Harm's question.

I fidget with my fingers and don't really dare to look up to him. "I don't know, Harm. Things are really complicated right now."

Harm nods. "I know that, Mac. It's hard not to see it." He reaches for my hand and I let him take it. "You've been keeping me at arms length for a while now. Any reason in praticular as to why you're doing that?"

Not lifting my eyes to his, I exhale. I've been trying to set him free. He deserves someone who can give him everything he deserves, and not me. He's such a great guy; he's patient, understanding, considerate, and I'm this unworthy, lowlife, this nobody. He deserves someone special.

"Mac?" He tilts my head and makes me look at him. "I'm not going anywhere. I'd like an answer, though."

I really don't want him to go all knight-in-shining-armor on me. I can't take it. "You don't have to worry about me, Harm. I'm fine." Pulling my hand free, I look the other way.

"No, Mac, you're not. If you'd been fine you wouldn't have said that things are complicated now. What aren't you telling me?" He takes my hand back into his and rubs the back of my hand.

"What makes you think that I'm not telling you something?" Why does he have to be so great? Seriously, what have I ever done to deserve this?

A soft squeeze in my hand is his only answer. "Please, Mac," he pleads, "don't shut me out."

Lifting my eyes I burst into tears when I look at him.

"Oh, honey." He wraps his arms around me and pull sme into his chest. Presses soft kisses on my head. "You shouldn't have dealt with this by yourself, baby, whatever it was. I'm right here."

I bury myself even further in his strong arms. And curse myself for doing it at the same time. Why amd I always so weak when I'm around him? It's the easiest thing to do, I suppose. Lose myself in the thing I want most. Him. I sniff and sit up. "I'm sorry," I apologize.

Harm cups my face with both hands and shakes his head. "Don't. You don't have to apologize, Mac. There's no need."

Why am I always so ready to believe him? "I'm still sorry," I sniff. "I usually don't break down like that."

He shrugs as if it's no big deal. "I want to know what's bothering you," he whispers.

I break our eyecontact the second he finishes that line. "I'can't, Harm."

When I steal a quick glance at him, he looks like a lost puppy. I can read the disappointment in his eyes. When I look away again, Harm softly squeezes my hand. "Please, Mac."

And something in his eyes makes me start to talk. I tell him about what the doctor said about my slim chance of ever getting pregnant, about him deserving someone who really makes him happy, who can give him everything he deserves. That he doesn't have to say that he cares about me because he pities me. I don't want his pity.

Harm looks at me in confustion. "Have I ever given you the idea that I pity you, Mac?"

"You just have to. Poor Mac, always reaching out for someone because she can't deal with things herself..."

"Is that what you think? Is that what you really think? That we all pity you because you reach out in hard times? When you can't do it on your own?"

I pull my hand away, and rise from the couch. Wrap my arms around myself in self protection. "Don't you? It's okay, Harm, I know you do." I have to believe that. Because if I start to believe that someone is capable of really loving me, than I'll be the one who gets hurt, eventually.

Harm takes a deep breath. "Do you want to know what I think, Mac?"

I nod. "What do you think, Harm?" Here comes...

He rises and comes close to me. Leans into my ear. "I think you're the stronger one for admitting that you can't always do everything on your own. For admitting that you need someone."

He's kidding me, right? He just has to be kidding me. "I'm not so strong, Harm. There's no way that I'll ever be the stronger one."

Another deep breath. "Why won't you believe me?" he asks. "Why can't you believe someone who says something positive about you?"

"Because it's usually not true." I start to shake. "Because the chance that someone actually means it, is so small..." The tears start to fall from my eyes. Again. And Harm wraps his arms around me. Again. Comforts me.

There's no way that anyone will ever mean it when they say something positive about me. And that is really what I'm so afraid of...

That I'm simply not worthy of love.

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**TBC**


	2. Chapter 1

**AN: Thank for all the great reviews, guys. Decided that I'm going to make this story a little longer than just the two or three chaps I had in mind. Enjoy the ride... ;-)**

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JAG HQ  
Falls Church, VA  
0803 hours local

It's been a week since I've told Harm. A very long week. And he hasn't even been avoiding me. Quite the opposite, actually. He's been around more than normally. He's friendly, and attentive, and all those other things Harm is.

To be honest, it felt pretty liberating to tell Harm what it really was that's bothering me. On one hand it feels like there's been a total weight lift of my shoulders, on the other I feel guilty because I've dumped it all on him.

I dump by briefcase on my desk and want to turn around to the break room for a much needed cup of coffee when something in the corner of my eye makes me stop. A little plain white envelope. No name. No nothing. Inside is a little card.

_I'll see in you in a __bit, and just knowing that puts a huge smile on my face._

Oh, Harm... I take a deep breath and look at the simple line again. What is this? I press the card to my heart for a few seconds, then put it back in its envelope and in my briefcase. I have to try and get my emotions under control before entering the break room...

Harm is talking to Sturgis when I enter the break room and winks at me. "Morning, Mac." He moves a little to the side so that I can get myself a cup of coffee. His eyes are still fixed on me, and my lips pull into a careful smile.

"Good morning, gentlemen." I turn around and take a slow sip of my coffee.

Harm picks up their conversation where they've left off, and I stand in between them, sipping my coffee and listening. My thoughts drift of to Tuesday night again. Harm just held me, he didn't say anything. Not that there was anything that had to be said. I knew he was concerned. Still is, probably. He's been trying to lift my spirits with doing little things. Dinner, that little card in my office, random phone calls just to check in on me. I couldn't be more grateful that he's been doing that, because it means that he's showing interest, but it's still a hard thing to grasp.

"Hey Mac, what are you doing this weekend?" Suddenly, Harm has turned to me.

"What?" I ask, looking up. I was a million miles away.

He grins. "I asked what you're doing this weekend?"

"Oh." I shrug. "Nothing. Need to do some cleaning around the house, I think I'll finally finish that book I've been reading for the past weeks and can't seem to get through... You know, the usual weekend things." Something in his smile makes me ask the next question. "Why?"

"I was thinking that you maybe wanted to go do something. If you can find the time between your cleaning and reading." He gives me an expectant look. "What do you say, Marine?"

Really? I'd love to spent time with him, I'm just not sure he wants to spent his weekend with me. "Are you sure?" It must sound pretty pathetic, me asking him if he's sure, but I just need to know.

A nod and a grin is all I get. "Yup." He puts his mug in the sink behind me. "I'll tell you something, you can pick our activity. Go figure out what you want to do and let me know." With that, he leaves the break room.

He's going to let me pick? Seriously? Sturgis is looking at me, a soft smile spread across his face. "You look like you deserve a fun weekend, Mac," he says.

I look up. "You think so, Sturgis?"

"I know so." He gives my arm a soft squeeze and walks in the direction of the bull pen. Filling my coffee cup with coffee again, I start to make a list of things that might be fun to do.

The morning is over before I know it and Harm is standing in the door way to my office, one ankle crossed over the other. "You ready for lunch yet, Mackenzie?"

Closing my file and rising, I nod. "Totally. Where do you want to go?"

Harm gives me the biggest grin I've seen in ages. "Surprise, Ninja-girl. Just wait and see."

I slap his arm. "You know I don't like surprises," I say.

"I know. That's exactly why." He winks and I follow him out of the office.

A surprise… What could he possible have planned?

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**TBC**


	3. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks for all the wonderful feedback, guys! Really appreciate it! Here's the next part. Enjoy.**

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Donald S. Brady Park  
Falls Church, VA  
1323 hours local

We've lunched and are currently sitting at a picnic table in the park. I'm looking around in amazement. For some reason, I've never been to this side of Falls Church before. It's beautiful.

Harm had brought lunch in an old-fashioned food basket; grilled chicken sandwiches, juice, fruits, muffins and even a piece of my favorite cheesecake.

"Are you sure you've had enough, Mac?" he asks.

I turn my head away from an older couple to look at him. "I can't eat another crumb." I smirk. "Thank you for lunch, Harm. You didn't have to do all this."

"Of course, I did," Harm answers. And adds: "And you're welcome." He looks at his watch. "I hate to say this, but we have to go back to JAG. They might just start to miss us if we stay away any longer."

Resting my head in my hands, I sigh. "Are you sure? Can't we just let them think that we're away on an interview?"

He starts to laugh. "As much as I would want to, Mac, we don't have any shared cases, so going on an interview together is out of the question."

I swear under my breath. "Damn."

Now he's laughing out loud. "Come on, Marine, suck it up. You'll live. We might even do this again tomorrow."

That puts my hopes up again. "Really?"

We start to walk back to the car. "Tell you what," Harm starts. "If you can build your weekend activities around it, we'll do this again Sunday afternoon, given that the weather is still warm, and we'll stay the entire afternoon."

"Okay…" I thought that I could pick what we were going to do this weekend? Harm notices the change in my demeanor.

"What is it?" he asks.

"Nothing," I protest.

But Harm knows me better than that. Unfortunately. "Out with it, Mac."

I sigh. "It's nothing. It's just… I thought that you were going to let me pick what we were going to do this weekend?"

He opens the passengers door for me and rolls his eyes. "Have you forgotten that a weekend has two days, babe? We have all day Saturday to do whatever you want."

Locking eyes with him, I stare for a slight moment. He's going to spend his _whole_ weekend with me? He _wants_ to spend his whole weekend with me? Has he lost his mind? "You can't be serious…" my voice trails; chokes up in my throat.

Harm touches my arm, never breaking our eye contact. "I'm as serious as I ever will be, Mac." He eyes me, then shakes his head. "You're really not used to this, are you?"

I shake my head no, not able to utter a single syllable. There are so many things I'm not used to. Little things. A million little things I'm not used to. The problem is, a million little things turn into a very big thing.

Things that are normal things for Harm, are extraordinary things for me. Turning to me when I'm talking to him about nothing in particular, just showing that he's interested and that he's listening. Wrapping his arms around me when he sees that I need a hug. Not turning me away when I need to ramble or just talk. Make dinner for me. Call me because he wants to know how I'm feeling and what I'm doing. What I'm thinking about.

All dumb little things, I realize that, but to me, they mean the world. And now he wants to spend his entire free weekend with me, canceling every plan he might've made. Stupid as it might sound, I feel like I don't deserve this. I'm not that special that someone just might drop anything and everything to come when I need him. There is no one who does that for me. I've always felt like I needed to fix things myself.

He squeezes my hand. "I want to spend the weekend with you, Mac, just because you're you. Is there anything I can do to make you believe that?" His eyes bore into mine.

"No," I whisper. "Not right now."

"Then let me spend the weekend with you. So that I can show you."

Hesitatingly, I nod. I know what Harm is trying to do. Slowly, he's trying to restore my self-esteem. He's trying to restore my faith in myself. There's a long road ahead of us, of me, especially, because I'm the one unsure of myself. Harm has enough faith in himself to know what he wants at this point of his life. And up until some point, I'm completely clueless.

Pulling my lips into a small smile, I agree. "Okay."

"Good." He smiles at me. "Now get into the car, and let's head back. We're late as it is." He friendly pushes me in the car and closes the door.

And slowly, I start to believe that this weekend idea of his might actually be fun.

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**TBC**


	4. Chapter 3

**AN: Thanks for all the great reviews, guys! Really appreciate it. Here the next part. Hope you'll enjoy!  
**

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Mac's apartment  
Georgetown, VA  
0903 hours local

Harm said that he'd be here by nine, and as usual, he's late. Just three minutes late, but still, late. I pull my hair up in a pony tail, again, just to have something to do with my hands, nervous as I am. This is crazy. I've done a million things with Harm over countless weekends, and this one makes me nervous. I don't know why.

All right, I do know why. It's because this is the first weekend that we're spending together since I know for sure that he wants to spend time with me, because he likes me for who I am. Whether or not I believe that, that's what he said, and Harm only says the things he means. An almost decade of friendship has told me that.

There's a knock on the door, and grabbing my denim jacket from the chair, I open the door. Harm is standing there, big grin spread across his face. "Sorry I'm late," he apologizes. "The Lexus broke down, so I figured that I'd take the Harley out. Hope that you don't mind."

An amazingly big grin takes up residence up my face. "You've brought the Harley?" Harm got it just a few months ago, and it's been ages since I've made a trip on a motorcycle. He always said that he'd take me someday, but there was always something that'd prevent us.

"If I'd known that I'd see that gorgeous smile of yours, I would've brought it earlier," he says and winks at me. "Where is your leather jacket? It's a bit colder outside on the Harley than it would be in the 'Vette."

I look at him for a little while. He thinks that my smile is gorgeous? Harm sees my hesitation and smiles. "Mac… That was a compliment. I'm learning you to accept a compliment. And I mean it. Your smile is gorgeous." He pushes me in the direction of my bedroom. "Go and get your jacket."

A blush creeps up my cheeks, leaving them slightly pink. The corners of my lips pull up. Just a little, but still. Only a few minutes later, we're standing in front of my apartment building and Harm hands me a helmet.

"My hair is going to be ruined when I get off again," I say.

Harm shakes his head. "Nah. Don't worry about that." He secures the strap under my chin. "Where to, milady?"

I bite my lip, slightly embarrassed to tell him. I've thought this over and over, and it's really what I want to do, but I'm embarrassed to tell him. "The National Portrait Gallery? There's this exhibition that I've been dying to see, and I thought that…" My voice dies down and suddenly the street under my feet seems very interesting.

Harm lifts my head. "Where do you want to go, Mac?" He's demanding me to stand up for what I want. To say it without hesitation.

I take a deep breath. "The National Portrait Gallery…?" It still sounds hesitating.

"Try again. Where do you want to go?"

"The National Portrait Gallery." This time is sounds more confident. It's not the way Harm wants it to sound, but it's the best I can do right now.

He grins. "Good girl. The National Portrait Gallery it is." The Harley roars to life beneath me and we drive off.

The exhibition is amazing. It's called "Women of our time," and covers photographs of Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Eleanor Roosevelt, Marilyn Monroe, Amelia Earhart and so on. Looking at all those pictures, and reading what those women did, I feel so incredibly small.

And Harm sees it. Of course he does. No matter how hard I try to pretend that I'm fine, he knows that I'm impressed. He doesn't act upon it until we're outside again, though. He silently takes my hand and squeezes it. "Hey Marine, what's up?"

Might as well tell him, right? He'll just push me into telling him, anyway. "Nothing. It's just that… All these women accomplished _something_, whether it was entertaining people, or fighting for human rights, or being the first women to ever fly the Atlantic, or start a newspaper… And it just makes me feel so damn small."

Harm frowns. "Why?"

I shrug. "What have I accomplished in my life, Harm? What have I ever done to make a difference?"

Harm tugs on my hand and makes me stand still. "Hey." He looks me directly in the eye. "Honey, you've accomplished so many things in your life already. You've overcome your alcohol addiction, you've turned your life around and set of in the direction where _you_ wanted to take it, you've been an inspiration to so many people, and you don't even know it. You're a great godmother to AJ, an amazing big sister to Chloe, an incredible friend to Bud and Harriet, and everybody else who's worthy of your friendship."

I take a deep breath. He seems so sure, saying all that. Could it really be that it's true? Really, true? When I look back at him, I see the plain and simple truth in his eyes. "You really mean that." It's a statement, not a question.

"Of course I do." He smiles. "All of it is true, Sarah. Every single word of it."

"Thank you," I whisper.

He doesn't say anything, just lets go of my hand and wraps me in his arms. Hugs me close. "Remember that you're special, Mac. Promise me that you'll remember."

I nod. "Promise."

"Good."

And we stand there for a moment. Just the two of us. And that tiny shimmer of hope that I had that things were going to be okay, starts to grow bigger. Even if it's just a little bit.

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**TBC**


	5. Chapter 4

**AN: Hey guys! I'm back. Next part is a little short, I realize that, but right now, that was all I could do. Hope you enjoy anyway. ;-)**

**All mistakes made are mine. **

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JAG HQ  
Falls Church, VA  
1734 hours local

"You ready?"

I look up from my desk and smile at Harm. "That depends. Am I ready for what?"

Harm grins. "Oh, funny, Marine. It's time to go and get ready for tonight, remember? You in a pretty dress and me in my dress mess?"

I nod and start to gather papers, a silly smile on my face. "Oh, getting ready for that, huh? Yeah, I'm ready."

Closing my office door behind me, I follow Harm to the elevators. Tonight is the annual Governors' Ball, and as always, we're attending. It's the first time we're going together, and Harm figured we could get ready together. Saves us gas, parking space and time. That's how Harm put it, but somehow I doubt it's going to save us time. Knowing how Harm tends to be late and all…

We drive to my apartment, chatting about everything and nothing, and while Harm uses to bath- and bedroom to get ready, I make us a little something to eat before we go. We're going to have dinner later tonight, but if we don't eat a little something now, we'll pass out.

The last couple of weeks Harm has slowly but securely tried to rebuild my faith in myself. Just doing little things: saying that I did a great job when I won a case, little notes he leaves here and there, asking me if he needs to get something when I come over for dinner… He's been trying to let me see that I have a right to an own opinion and that I have the right to voice it. Which feels pretty amazing, to be ho nest. It's nice to have say something and not feel like what you're feeling or thinking will be torpedoed within the following next ten seconds.

Harm comes out of the bedroom with his jacket draped over his arm and his bow tie loosely draped around his neck. He grins at me. "How do I look, Marine?"

I grin back. "Mmm…" I walk around him, inspecting his attire. Lean up to his ear. "Not to bad, Sailor. Not to bad at all."

Harm shakes his head at me. "You keep that up and I'm not going to make you a compliment about your dress."

We both know that he doesn't mean that, but two can play that game. "Wait until you see it." I wink and walk into my bedroom.

It took me about three days until I found this perfect gown for tonight. A one shoulder, chiffon mermaid gown. The sales woman couldn't find the words to describe it, and I thought that the dress looked all right on me, so I went for this one. The silver beading on the fuchsia chiffon on the dress looks pretty amazing.

After a short shower, I pin my half long waves up. A few soft curls frame my face. I put on some make-up, add a touch of lipstick, perfume and earrings and a bracelet and I'm done. Now, if I only knew where I'd left my clutch and heels… A stroke of genius later, I've found them in the bag where I'd left them in, and I'm good to go.

Harm looks up when I enter the living room and his lips pull into that amazing grin of his. I swirl around. "What do you think?"

"I think you look perfect," he says. "I'm going to have to keep the guys away from you tonight."

The compliments make me blush and I smile. "Thank you." His words always mean so much to me. Harm squeezes my hand and goes to get his jacket.

"Let's go."

Half an hour later we've arrived. Harm offers me his arm, which I gratefully accept. The moment we arrive at the hall, I feel about a hundred pair of eyes on us. Harm squeezes my hand and leans into my ear. "Keep breathing, Sarah. They all just think that you look beautiful."

We find the others, say hello to the Governor and his wife, and half way through the night, Harm asks me to dance. I look up at him, unsure what to do.

"I promise I won't stand on your toes," Harm says and extends his hand.

"Don't make a promise you can't keep," I answer. Harm is actually a good dancer, but that's something I don't get to experience a lot. Can't really turn him down now.

We sway to the music, and Harm smiles down on me. "Have I told you that you're beaming?"

I shake my head, still not really used to the compliments. "No. Thank you."

"You're more than welcome, Mac."

The song ends and goes over in the next song, and we just keep dancing. This feels nice. Safe. Secure. I just get to be me and I don't have to hold the charade into place. I rest my head against his shoulder and try not to think. I can practically hear Harm smile.

There is one thing that I know that will never happen. No matter what will happen, Harm will always be there. When I told him how I really felt about myself, he could've easily pulled his hands off the situation. Instead, he stayed right there by my side, helping me.

I look up to him. "Thank you."

He looks a bit puzzled. "You already thanked me, Mac."

"Thank you for you. For being here. For helping me."

He tightens his arm around me. "You're all worth it, Mac. Every single second. Every single thing."

And for the first time in my life, I actually believe him.

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**TBC**


	6. Chapter 5

**AN: Thanks for the wonderful reviews, guys! Next part is here. Hope you'll enjoy!  
**

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Donald S. Brady Park

Falls Church, VA

1547 hours local

It's become our Sunday ritual. We spent Saturday doing something that I want, then spent Sunday with something Harm wants to do. Which nine of ten times brings us back to the park.

We lazily stroll through the park, our fingers laced together. Harm points something out every now then, then keeps his silence again. We don't talk a lot; just enjoy each others presence.

"Harm?" I say after a few minutes of silence.

He looks down at me. "What is it?" He can hear the shy tone in my voice that tends to come up every now and then.

I softly hold on tighter on his hand; unsure how to begin. "I've been thinking…" Oh god, how do I say this without sounding ungrateful? I take a deep breath. "You know I'm grateful for everything that you've been doing for me, right?"

He frowns. "Of course I know. You tell me 'thank you' at least a million times a day." He stops at a nearby bench and sits down. Pats the place next to him. "Come and sit, Mac."

I obey and sit down. Take his hand back into mine and rub it. Avoid his eyes.

Harm tilts my head up his, so that I have to look at him. "Whatever it is, you can tell me, Mac."

Yeah, I can tell him. I trusted him with my biggest secret, and I can tell him this. Then why is this so hard? I take another deep breath; then exhale. "I've decided that I'm going into therapy." So, that was it.

Harm softly smiles at me. "I think that's great, Mac."

What? I look up to him, completely thrown off guard. "Huh?"

He squeezes my hand. "Really. I think that you've made a good decision. What did you think that I was going to say?"

"That I was being ungrateful for everything you've done for me in the past couple of months. Which I'm not, really. If I could express to you how grateful I am, I'd spent forever saying 'thank you.'"

"Mac, I know that you're grateful. You're not letting me down by wanting to go into therapy." He locks eyes with mine. "I mean that. A therapist knows how to help you best. I can only do so much with what I'm doing. Complementing you, making sure that you now how I feel about you… I won't get to the actual problem. I'm not a therapist."

"So, you're not angry with me?"

Harm shakes his head. "Honey, I can't be angry with you for wanting what is best for you. You're the only one who can decide that. I'm proud of you for taking this big step."

My lips pull into a small smile. "Thank you. I'm pretty proud of myself too."

"I can imagine that. It's not an easy step to take."

It was. I'd been giving it thought for about a few weeks, and honestly couldn't really decide whether or not it would be good for me to do it. Figured that it couldn't hurt anymore than everything I'd already experienced and that it was probably better if I did go into therapy.

"Yeah, it was," I softly admit. "I'd been trying to figure out if it was really what I wanted or not. But I guess that in the end it's only for the better. I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything good on a personal level. I'm tired of feeling unworthy. Tired of constantly walking on my toes. It's all such a waist of my time. Of my energy."

Harm pulls me close and kisses my head. "I think you're doing the right thing, honey."

I nod. Yeah, me too. "Harm?" I ask again.

"Yes?"

"I took the liberty of making an appointment for next Thursday…" I don't even have to ask the question.

"I'll go with you, Marine. I'm going to be there all the way."

Smiling, I relax in his embrace. "Thank you."

"No problem." He pulls me close and we sit there, not saying anything.

I told him what was on my mind, and even though he had to ask me, he only had to ask once, and that is progress. Now I actually feel a bit better telling him things that weigh on my mind, instead of doubting about whether or not I should say it. I have the right on my own opinion.

About an hour later, we rise, lazily strolling back to the car and to our new favorite diner. Sunday ritual. Everyday should be like this.

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**TBC...**


	7. Chapter 6

**AN: Thanks for the reviews, everyone! After this only the epilogue to go. Hope you enjoy!**

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Harm's apartment

North of Union Station

1738 hours local

Harm's arms encircle me the second he closes the door behind me. Doesn't say anything at all, just holds me close. I exhale. Inhale. I'm safe here. I know that. Nothing can happen. This is safe. _He_ is safe.

After a while Harm steps back from me. Looks into my eyes. "Tea?" he asks.

I nod. After a therapy session I don't need to talk. Harm gives me all the space I need. If I want to talk, I can talk; if I just want to sit there and don't say anything, that is just fine too. "Yeah."

I unbutton my coat and hang it over the rack by the door. Walk over to the living room and sink down on the couch. This is my third month into therapy, and although things are certainly looking up, they still aren't where they need to be.

Harm joins me a few minutes later and sets the steaming mugs on the coffee table. Sits down next to me on the couch and pulls me close. "You okay?"

I nod. "I'll be fine. Things just got intense, as usual."

The first few times I felt like I wanted to quit; felt that Iris was digging way too deep. That she wanted to much of me. Now I know what she wants and why she wants it, and it doesn't scare me anymore. I'm just exhausted every time I come home.

Harm nods. "It's been that way for a while, Mac. Probably will stay that way for a little longer, too. But as long as you're making progress, it's all right, right?"

I pick my mug up from the table and blow in it. Silently nod. "I'm still making progress." I've learned to speak about me. I've learned to open up. "We talked about Joe today."

"Oh." It's the only thing he can think of, I guess. I surprised him with that. Knowing that I want to talk about the therapy session when I voluntarily talk about it, he keeps talking. "And what did you say about Joe?"

I take a deep breath. "That my insecurity started way back then. That I thought that I was unworthy of his love, because if I was, he wouldn't be drinking as much as he did. If my mother had had a daughter that he could love, he wouldn't have beaten the crap out of her, either. I started to project everything on myself."

It took Iris almost four sessions to let me open up about that. Because that was my main issue. If I had been worthy of any love, my father would've loved me. Would've protected me, would've been there for me when I needed him after my mother left. And he didn't. Wasn't.

Harm pulls me into his arms. "Is that why you're scared to let anyone in? Why you keep a whole lot of things to yourself?"

I sniff. "Harm, if my father didn't love me enough to stop drinking, if my own mother didn't love enough to stay and be there for me, who would? There wouldn't be anyone who would." The tears sting in my eyes and I angrily wipe them of my face. I've cried enough. I'm done crying.

Harm takes the cup out of my hands, sets in on the table and takes my face between his hands. "Sarah, look at me." His voice is stern. He knows it's going to be very hard for me to do that. So he starts again. "Look at me."

Taking a deep breath, I lift my eyes. And the only thing I read in his eyes is love. Compassion and so much more love than I ever could imagine.

"The fact that Joe didn't love you enough to stop drinking, doesn't say anything about you. It says something about his willpower, and his strength and his inability to love. But it doesn't mean that that makes you unworthy of his love. The fact that Deanne disappeared out of your life doesn't say anything about you, either. It says a whole lot about what kind of person she is, leaving her teenage daughter with her alcoholic husband. It means that she didn't know what to do with the situation, that she didn't know how to handle it. But it doesn't mean, and it never will, that you are unworthy of love. The fact that you haven't been loved properly before doesn't mean that there won't be anyone willing to make up for that. All you have to do is to let them."

The tears keep streaming down my face. "But…"

Harm puts a finger on my lips to shut me up. "I'm only asking for a chance, Mac. Are you willing to let me show you that you're worthy of love?"

My mouth is dry and I can't even form a coherent sentence in my head. I'm putting my heart of the line here. I'm risking it all. This is not how I've done it before. Trying to let people in and then start pushing them away before they got to know the real me. Harm is asking me if I want to let him in all the way.

This is the first time in my life. This first time in my life I'm going to let go of the idea that I'm not worthy of love. Harm is willing to show me. And I'm willing to let him show.

Without saying a word, I look into his eyes.

And nod.

* * *

**TBC**


	8. Epilogue

**AN: Well guys, here's the epilogue. Thank you so much for all the reviews. **

Ventje, you're getting all the credit for the idea. Dank je wel voor jou.

* * *

Rabb Residence

Rosslyn, VA

1643 hours local

Five years later

I push the back door open with my shoulder and walk out onto the back porch. Smile at Harm who's playing with Levi, and settle myself with a wide awake four-month-old on the steps. It's been five years. Five long years since I let Harm in completely. Five years since I took that giant leap of faith and let him show me that I was worth it.

As much as the past four years have been great, it's also been a crazy journey. I've had my ups and downs, and somewhere deep down inside I'll always have a problem with it, but I've learned to cope and won't let it affect me as much as it used to. Which is good.

Short before we got engaged, Harm gave me a present. One out of million presents, really, because he's always been amazingly generous to me. But this present was, I think, one of the best I've ever had. It's safely tucked away in the top drawer of the desk in the office upstairs. It's a list. A list I've memorized over time. A list he made because he wanted me to know why I was special to him. Why I still am, and always will be.

_You'll always put others in first place to yourself. _

Harm looks up to me and winks. "She's slept long," he says, directing to the bundle of joy in my lap.

I nod. "Just like someone else I know."

_You're there when I need you to be. _

_You know how to keep me grounded, more than you know. _

Although we've been keeping each other grounded for the past few years, I think that I don't know how much I'm influencing him. I'm not really sure that I will ever know what I mean to him. But you know, that's fine. That's okay. I know he values me, more than I can comprehend.

_You were important to yourself when you decided to go into therapy. All you needed was a little backup. _

_You challenge me to be a better person. _

Levi comes running over to me, almost crashing in my lap.

"Hey there, big guy." I smile and stroke over his head. "Were you having fun with daddy?"

He nods. "Hey, Hailey," he greets his little sister.

_Like me, you want to fight for what is right, and you do it with so much passion and determination, that you keep surprising me, every single day. _

_Because you trusted me enough to tell me what exactly it was that was bothering you. _

Harm picks him up and sits down next to us.

_Even your dumb antics are funny. That's why I never make you stop singing. _

Hailey reaches for my necklace and I softly entangle her fingers from it. "Don't you dare to break that, Hailey Rose," I softly say. "That's a very special necklace."

Looking up to my husband, his eyes are smiling. I've come a long way. A very long way. And I still have a way to go. But now I know that there will be people with me, who will love me unconditionally, no matter what. That realization took a whole while to sink in, but here I am. And I'm a better person for knowing it.

Which brings me to the bottom of the list. The most important reason, Harm says.

_Most importantly, you're special because you're letting me love you. And I'm honored that you do.

* * *

_**The End**


End file.
